Athazagoraphobia- Fear of being forgotton..

*peaceee out 2006 - & welcome 2007 =]

ahh so weird. its like yesterday i was wishing for this year to come. where it was my year. and i was finished finally with school. the year i would write in my notebook and count out the days till it came.. and now its here. and now my thoughts are changing, wishing maybe i could have one more year before 2007. it came so fast. a little too fast.. and now this is the year i will be a graduate & off to bigger & better things. pretty crazy i know.. but its still sinking in. i've learned a lot over these past few years of highschool. i've had my laughs & tears, but made it through. and so proud of myself that i've come so far. [new years eve] was amaazing. had a blasssst with my awesome [bamfs*] & my booo <3 couldn't of asked for a better night. *played guitar hero, brennan is basically the shit. like no arguments. hahahaha =] the day before, me & my loveee liz, got our noses pierced. that was deff an experience. lolll i flipped - she stayed calm... she held my hand, i squeezed it till she couldn't feel it any more hahhaaa [thats what bestfriendsss are for!] hahaha uhm, xmas was amaazing. my dad came home. spent that night with donnie. greattt night =]

*just something*

we can never got back again. that much is certain. the past is still so close to us. the things we would try to forget and put behind us would stir again, and that sense of fear of furtive unrest, struggling at length to blind unreasoning panic - now mercifully stilled. i believe there is a theory that woman emerge finer and stronger after suffering and that to advace in this world we must endure ordeal by fire. we all have known fear and lonliness and very great distress. i suppose sooner or later in the life of everyone comes a moment of trial. we all have our particular devil who rides us and torments us and we must give battle in th end. i myself have had enough melodrama in my life and would willingly give my five senses if they could ensure me present peace and security. happiness is not a possession to be prized, it is a quality of thought, a state of mind. of course we have our moments of depression, but there are other moments too. im glad that it can not happen twice - the fever of first love. for it is a fever and a burden too; whatever the poets may say. these days are full of little fears without foundation and we are so easily bruised, so swiftly wounded. we fall at the first barbed word. how a careless word could linger, becoming a fiery stigma, and how a glance over a shoulder, branded themselves as things eternal.

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its just so pretty... & hard to ignore.

i never thought.. you'd save me the way you did.

 so liz turned sweeeeet 16 =] & got her license. how excitttting!? the past week i was reallly sick and just hung out basically. but im better now. last night went to columbus with donnie. had an amaaaazing time. we went and saw the holiday at the movies. {greatttt movie btw} didnt get home till 2 in the morning though... wooopsss. loll couldn't of asked for a better night though =] christmas is in 9 days and im pretty stoked. then new yearsss hollllaaa =] ohh and in 13 days me and my bestieee liz are gettin are nose pierced. yeah thats right, we'll be blinginnnn hahaaa im real excited about that. real nervous though loll lets hope i dont pass out like i did with my bellybutton lol -today.. im probably going to finish up some xmas shopping bc i love my friends oh so muchhh =] my dad comes home on xmas eve. thats going to be interesting.. two ex's in the same house for 4 days... weird right? ohhh well. i miss him though, so im kinda glad hes coming back.. but 4 days? i mean.. thats nothing. he misses so much of my life its ridiculous.. coudln't he stay for at least a week? - guess thats asking too much. hes so many miles away, its not like i can just show up at his front door when i feel like it.. i dont think he realizes that.. but oh well, im almost 18 and well.. hes been like this since i was born basically. its just sad knowing deep down, my dad doesnt know hardly anything about his daughter.. but i know im not the only girl to deal with this dad bullshit. so many girls lose their dads - sometimes dads are just dicks and up & leave like its normal.. i know i complain about this a lot, but its just the hardest thing.. i hate watching my friends and their dads be all close, and those stupid father -daughter songs on the radio.. like wheres my dad? - to look after me, and to just love me? ahh oh well, thats what my mom is for. without her, i would not be as strong as i am. shes been the most amazing person in my life and i look up to her every day.. but anyways. hopefully this week goes by fast. 4 days till break. ahhh holllerrr at some of that =]

well. honesty is the best policy right? -- well honestly, theres something wrong. i have no freakin clue wtf is going on any more =( everything SEEMS to be perfect.. everything SEEMS all right. i just dont understand how everything is all right, why aren't things okay with me? i've been so weird / distant lately.. i dont like it at all.. i swear, being a girl is amazing.. at times. but these freakin emotional breakdowns we get out of completely no where, are killin me. i shouldn't have to MAKE myself go to church, and tonight i did.. and its like i had zero connection - so i left as soon as i walked in.. thats not me.. usually wednesday nights are what i live for, what i look forward to.. what puts me in a good mood.. but not any more. i haven't gone in 3 weeks, plus tonight where i couldn't even stay.. i just dont feel like myself.. i just want to smile more, sometimes even smiling is a struggle.. and even fake. i wish i knew what was going on..  =(  i have to get surgery the week after thanksgiving.. not looking forward to that, in fact - im freakin scared. i also just miss my dad a lot.. like a whole lot. i wish i could see him, and him just hold me - like a normal father would do to his daughter.. i feel so empty inside, like so much is missing.. and realizing im giong to be 18 in 2 months just makes me realize how he just missed his first girl grow up.. he missed her teenage years, he missed her homecoming's and proms where she was all dressed up. he missed out on her life.. and watching her grow, well no im sorry, he saw, -- in pictures. thats about the only way he saw. it cuts so deep.. and its like it wont go away, the pain is still there. my mom and her asshole of a b/f finally broke up, im hoping it stays this way. even though shes going through emotional issues with it - its for the best. but now it seems shes getting distant. - im trying to prevent that but i guess theres not much i can really do..i have this amaaazing guy in my life, and he means a lot to me.. but sometimes i feel like we want two different things.. & im scared i wont be able to give him just what he wants.. my girls mean the world to me, - but at times, i feel like if i dont get a hold of them, we dont talk. kinda like i call them all the time and text them all the time and ask them to always hang out -but its really hardly the other way around.. and it makes me sad, because i feel im only one person and cant plan & do everything everyone wishes i could..  then theres times i feel i need just some "me" time - but then i just feel alone, and i hate that feeling. i love being with my friends, but why cant i ever get the call? =(  idk, im just so confused..

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every now & then, i get a little lost
my strings get tangled, my wires get crossed.
every now & then im right on the edge, danglin my toes on the ledge.
i just thank god your here.
cas when im a bullet shot out of a gun,
when im a firecracker comin undone,
when im a fugitive ready to run,
all wild eyed & crazy,
no matter where my reckless soul takes me,
baby - you save me.

I argue with him like he's my brother.
I flirt with him like the friend that he is.
But I love him like he's the only one for me

okayyy well im backk once again after bein gone for a while lol and this update is mostly for my bamf liz pow =) hahaha anyways, things have been pretty good! cant complain about hardly anything! friday = me liz, bren, & brooke going out to eat at el campastre, havin sexual convo's at the table haha uhm, causing scenes like we usually do, *not caring* of course. then goin to starbucks, & blockbuster. we got an old time movie, crossroads hahahhaa yeah we're way cool. you wish you were us; the end. saturday = osu game @ cory's with liz, annie, allison, katie, gabby, cory, steve, skyler, wes & donnie. then later that night went to the movies and saw Saw3 with cory steve and donnie. met up with melody & ariel. steve was stupid and forgot his i.d so we attempted on sneaking him in, more then once but the freakin people working were like damn nazis. and then i ended up almost getting kicked out bc i told off the girl that came in the theater and found him and told him to leave. there is a 10 year old 2 seats down from me but yet a 17 year old cant watch a damn movie? are you shitting me? lol then after i went home & ended up goin to liz's at 2 in the morning. then we woke up at 9, got starbucks, breakfast, and went to cory's where we followed him half way across the damn state loll to his and steves hockey game. he almost killed me by passing every car in sight. good timess =) hahaha then me and liz went back to her house after and wes & donnie came over. we watched crossroads again lol and slept the boys left and me and liz did a whole lot of nothing till dinner was ready and ate with everyone. ohhh & i fixed her car, i should be a mechanic bc im amazing. lolll =) today i didnt go to school. so im just hanging out. im pretty much excited that its already november. this school year has just been flyinggg by. *almost thanksgiving* =) and that makes me happy <3 i got fired for calling off 4 days in advance. thats something new to me? i didnt know that was a bad thing? but all right, i didnt like working there & its their loss anyways =) hahhaa so im basically hired at aeropostale, so we'll see how this goes. im glad i've worked at 4 places in a year period of time haha

okkayy  well the perks of bein a senior = me shannon and kait being able to be as loud as we want, and well no one really can do anything about it because well , we're oldest in the damn school hahahhaa and being able to say "its okay im a senior" --kait. lollll so school is pretty good =) classes are good, and yeah not very dramafull which is amazing. homecoming is coming up in 4 weeks... uuuhmm we lost to senior last friday, booo. and shaffer hurt his ankle =( uuhmm, this week so much is going on. today = lots of homework and going dress shopping with berlyn and brittany. tomorrow = trace adkins concert =) yayyyy with mike & chelsss. wednesday = church. thursday = senior pictures @ malabar. & friday = out to eat at o'charley's with the spirittt girlss  =) hahaa & starbucks & game @ home. sooo its real busy. <33 butttt yeahh thats abouttt it. *comments* are cuute.

my dressssss =)